As I'm typing this I probably just ended my relationship with you an hour ago.
I can't control my tears and I can't handle the guilt pent up inside me.
I'm resorting to this to ease the pain, hopefully one day you might see it and understand the pain I went through as well.
I've just received booboobear earlier today. A stuffed toy from Craftholic, much smaller than I expected, but I remember I told you I liked the size.
Why do I always break your heart after receiving a thoughtful present from you, I don't know. And it hurts me more inside.
I love it a lot, but I can't bring myself to brag or parade it around my overly publicized social media platforms. I will take care of it, and I will wash KK and Yummy, both covered in dust. Just so I know I respect the relationship.
I know all these came like a bolt out from the blue. It seemed redundant. It probably is redundant at the point of time. But I told myself it had to be done sooner or later. You are a lovely girl, adorable, cute and understanding. I appreciate all of that. You've also become prettier by leaps and bounds since the day we got together. I understand part of the stimulus might have been the unappreciative me. But I'm glad your confidence level is higher now your braces are off.
However, i'm not sure since which year, I knew our characters clashed. I also know you hate to acknowledge but you know you weren't the girl I would usually like. (But I really liked, loved you. Alot)
We turn 22 this year, and you are almost halfway through University. Slowly but surely, we will enter adulthood.
You are not a social butterfly. You prefer to lie low, return home after school and spend time with your sisters and family members. If I wasn't in your class you probably would have never met me. University is the best time to meet your future partner, with people going in and out of your lives whether you like it or not, low profile or not. I can't imagine doing this when you are out in the workforce, with old fogeys and incompetent bachelors cooped up inside their cubicles. Who are you going to find? I wouldn't want you to be forcefully matchmaked, or to have no choice but to accept a person you don't like because you want to start your family life. I knew I had to end it soon so that you'll have a higher chance to find a better person.
There was never a good time to do this. Never was a good time for break ups. But today the morning Facetime really led me into a dejavu and to realise: "This is not the first time. We've had so many incidences of running out of topic, resulting in us being angry and sad at each other." Why is it happening so often? It's not your fault, I believe you deserve to be angry because I was sleepy and not putting in effort. But why can't I find a topic?
All our whatsapp chats are filled with endearing names for each other, calling each other to look at the convo, only to be hugged and kissed virtually throughout the day. I know we really meant the affection and when we missed each other, we really did. But it's hard to dismiss the fact that we do know we've got nothing much to say. And we don't know why. We don't wish to know why.
We've had a lot of memories together, I know, and I've been having random bouts of tearing every time one of them flashed past my mind. Our first movie, times we spent in Zhuhai, Venetian, and all the subsequent special occasions, be it sweet or sour. You're also the girl that was with me all the way through National Service, and I will always remember you for that. Without you, I really would have gone crazy with all the emotional break downs.
I know we still had movies we wanted to watch together, I know we wanted to visit Korea again together. I know we do. I know I let you down, and the pain is unbearable, especially for me now, as I feel that I've never really done anything significant for you ever since I felt distant. You never got the chance to experience being with me after I was done with Army. And I know you stopped eating beef just so I'll be safe in the Army. I am very very touched and grateful for all these. You don't deserve any of this shit I did today just so you'll have time to settle down and forget about me before you're too old for that.
You kept asking me "Do you like me?" "Do you love me?" in the conversations today. I reply with long winded explanations without answering the questions. Yes Fion, I love you. I really do. I still do right now. I really wanted to answer you but I'm afraid you will try too hard to stop this. I insisted because I know it had to be done.
You've got no idea how wet my sleeves are right now. Every corner of my room is filled with memories of you. I finally knew what that meant. I'm really silly ain't I? Going through all these pain for nothing.
Especially Booboobear. Brought in here just to see me cry. Trying hard not to get him wet.
I have to continuously tell myself this will be the last time. I am not supposed to pick up that phone to talk to you and ask for a repatch. It will just make things worse.
Edison you cannot do this. You miss her I know. You want to see her again, I know. Put Booboobear away for now.
Fion if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I really am.
Booboo. I love you. And I already miss you.
P.S I just put medicated oil on my eyes and ran around saying I accidentally rubbed them onto my eye so my family didn't suspect I was crying. Coming to think of it, I didnt actually have to put it =.=
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